ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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