$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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