Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
