A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
