peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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