shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
