im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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