I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
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