I am puke
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
