evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He passed out mid-signature
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
