woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
