YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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