you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
nutella sex= disaster
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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