he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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