On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
