who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My penis needs a shock collar
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
