My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
