youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
