I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Randomize
