We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
