it wasn't lemon gatorade
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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