she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize