i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
