Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize