Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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