there's paper in my vomit.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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