well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
