All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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