Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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