Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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