I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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