so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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