you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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