it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She bit a glass in half.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
