I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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