Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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