Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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