Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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