So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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