There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
