They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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