I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
