I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
