Im at strip club and am horny
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Randomize
