rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
