she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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