A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
