I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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