i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
