I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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