I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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