i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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