My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
