last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize