I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
