He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
