i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
