there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
