If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
