whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
