I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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