literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
