Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
