tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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